Diary of Doom

DOD Presents Movies from Green Hell - Episode 13 - Underworld

Irene the Black Metal Pastry Chef is back to chaperone Dylan through the bluest movie of all time and the inspiration for countless internet fiction, Underworld. Directed by Len Wiseman, who stole Kate Beckinsale from Michael Sheen, it's a tale of romance and violence, goth cryptid violence that is as vampires battle w̶e̶r̶e̶w̶o̶l̶v̶e̶s̶ lycans while destinies unfold and all manner of complicated love plays out. To complement the drama, it boasts a moody soundtrack courtesy of Danny Lohner featuring Page Hamilton of Helmet, David Bowie, Skinny Puppy, and A Perfect Circle. Even better, the flick's got UV bullets, early 00s vampire fashion, silver goo bullets, shooting out floors to get downstairs, wrist blades, and lycans that learn the hard way why you shouldn't rub-climb on walls. Dylan and Irene also discuss when it is appropriate to cover Nine Inch Nails and when it is not and how Krallice opened for Krallice.

Check out and support Irene's bands: Heretic Bodyhammer ("Severing the Godhead" featured in the closing) and High Cost

Note: At 01:58:08, no idea fuckin' clue what that noise is. Possibly aliens warping into our dimension. 

DOD Presents Movies from Green Hell - Episode 12 - The Devil’s Candy

Kit from I Hope You Suffer is back and this time, they watched a real movie! This month's film is 2015's The Devil's Candy, the motion picture meeting point of art, heavy metal, and Satan. It cannot be stressed how intrinsic heavy metal is to this movie's existence. Sunn O))) is literally part of this film, not to mention the soundtrack features Metallica, Queens of the Stone Age, Goya, Pantera, and Slayer. Ethan Embry stars as an extremely greasy and extremely cringy artist who moves his metalhead family into a cursed house so naturally, he crafts a really fucked up painting and runs afoul of a nasty fellow with a penchant for playing a Flying V and killing people with a big rock. Dylan also pitches Danzig to be the next celebrity featured in Dead by Daylight.

DOD Presents Movies from Green Hell - Episode 11 - Alone in the Dark

Dylan welcomes Andy Davis of the band EAT to tackle (with extreme frustration) the 2005 grimfest that is Alone in the Dark. Directed by notorious internet celebrity turned restauranteur and boxer, Uwe Boll, this cinematic equivalent of a conspiracy theory somehow boasts an immense roster of metal bands for its soundtrack and manages to completely squander it. Despite featuring such talent as Mastodon, Meshuggah, and The Dillinger Escape Plan, it goes 57 minutes before any metal shows up. Instead, we are subjected to Christian Slater's amazingly billowy trench coast, Dr. Tara Reid, Ph. D, Stephen Dorff's hair, monsters named after eating, and one of the most baffling and ineptly edited gunfights ever. This movie's poster also looks a lot like Goatse.

Track featured is "The Actress" by EAT off their album Songs of Thanks. Check out their Bandcamp here.

Note: There was some new recording equipment being used and wasn't fully fine-tuned. Apologies for the background noise int his one, hoping to have it resolved for the next one!

DOD Presents Movies from Green Hell - Episode 10 - Green Room

Green movie for the green podcast. This month, Dylan is talking about one of the best fake band movies, Green Room, with returning guest Jeremy Hunt of Qoheleth. Released in 2015 not far ahead of when the pitiful, bigoted underbelly of the country would start forcing its way into the spotlight, the movie follows touring punk rock band The Ain't Rights (perhaps the only band that has never had an Instagram account) as they find themselves embroiled in a tense standoff with an absolutely terrifying Patrick Stewart, turning in an about-face role as the leader of a skinhead group. In addition to the great cast, the film boasts an incredible soundtrack that is actually used in the movie, captures the spirit of being in a touring band, shows off some genuinely grisly gore and carnage, and acts as a good reminder that nazis suck and that's why they're the villains.

DOD Presents Movies from Green Hell - Episode 9 - The Gate

Dylan welcomes Chris and Jon from the Cinema Duel podcast to talk about how horror and metal went hand-in-hand for them in their youths, much like a certain Terry Chandler in today's movie, The Gate. Tibor Takacs' 1987 jaunt helps keep things very Canadian in this episode (the Great White North is a haven for metal and horror) as they discuss a metal movie that ostensibly features very little actual heavy metal music, trading that in for Stephen Dorff before he became a blood tornado in Blade, a good use of geodes, and some incredible special effects that include demonic mole people, serpentine monstrosities, melting dads, melting phones, wall zombies, hand eyeballs, and a waltz with a dead pooch. 

DOD Presents Movies from Green Hell - Episode 8 - Evil Bong Must Die Part 2

Dylan and Nathan continue on with their quest to put Charles Band in The Hague by closing the book on the Evil Bong franchise with Evil Bong 777 and Evil Bong 888. These "movies" find the FMCU troupe jumping from Las Vegas to a thrilling finale in... a restaurant. A green screen restaurant at that. Would you believe there's even more doll sex? These weed movies have forgotten they're about weed and replaced it with an Elvis puppet that truly fucks along with a dude from Tiger King, Karens, rednecks, a chef named Sal Monilla, and hot dog bean soup. Our brains were melted, so we decided to talk about Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 for a bit at the end as a cleanse. 

DOD Presents Movies from Green Hell - Episode 7 - Evil Bong Must Die Part 1

It's 4/20 and as is tradition, we're dipping back into the Evil Bong waters to finally put this bad bong to bed. Dylan and Nathan from I Hope You Suffer band together once more against the power of FMCU (Full Moon Cinematic Universe). All your favorites, least favorites, and newcomers are here: EB, Rabbit, Larnell, the Gingerdeadman, and the Gingerweedman (arguably the only good thing about these "movies). Summarizing these films was akin to the ravings of a madman, so we broke it up into two parts for you. In the first installment, Dylan and Nathan tackle Evil Bong High-5 and Evil Bong 666. Suspecting that at least two of these entries started out as one movie, they stumble their way through a shitty weed store, the Gingerdeadman's horrible CGI mouth, doll sex, grave levels of bigotry and stereotypes, and flaming pussy portals to "Sexy Hell", a place where they still need a BIC lighter to smoke.

Part 2 is available right now if you're still with us!

DOD Presents Movies from Green Hell - Episode 6 - Resident Evil

It's time to get down in the club and spin-kick some zombie dogs to "Fist Fuck" by Nine Inch Nails. Dylan takes a break from the Resident Evil 4 Remake to welcome Kat and Jazz from Girl, That's Scary to stan for the 2002 film adaptation of the hit video game series (adaptation used pretty lightly). Passing over George Romero for Paul W.S. Anderson and regretfully scored by Marilyn Manson, the soundtrack also featured Slipknot, Coal Chamber, Rammstein, Fear Factory, Mudvayne, a really bad Depeche Mode song, and a wicked appearance by Method Man. As the trio dives into The Hive of Raccoon City, they discuss how this almost starred ski resort legal nightmare Gwyneth Paltrow, videotaping video games, zombies that follow the creed of Chef Boyardee, and, of course, the laser grid meat cuber.

Stay tuned for some more 4/20-themed episodes coming up later this month.

DOD Presents Movies from Green Hell - Episode 5 - The Scorpion King

Before he was a terrible CGI scorpion centaur, The Rock was The Scorpion King. For the first fresh episode of Movies from Green Hell, Kit from I Hope You Suffer returns to join Dylan in revisiting this incredibly early 2000s flick that was written by Solid Snake. Sporting an aggressively nu metal soundtrack that barely shows up in it, this is a film plagued by fire ants, yak piss, skullets, magical editing, and stolen Chinese dynamite powered by salt. 

This episode is proudly sponsored by the Bad Neighbors of I Hope You Suffer Association.

Note: Due to lag, we talk over each other a bit. I tried to edit it to the best of my abilities. And a lot of Hooch (dog) jangling.

DOD Presents Movies from Green Hell - Episode 4 - Jonah Hex

Revenge gets ugly? More like revenge gets shitty. Dylan makes Kit from I Hope You Suffer finally face down a film that Warner Bros. probably wants to forget exists: Jonah Hex. Despite boasting a $47 million budget and a soundtrack from Mastodon, Jonah Hex manages to fail on an immaculate level. Just a sampling of the weirdness this movie offers includes John Malkovich looking like Jon Schaffer, bowler hat magic, a guy named Slocum, would-be hellhounds, snake men, a truly baffling take on "limbo", Eli Whitney's WMDs, and a lot of crows.

This was recorded sometime in May 2022, but just got released now. Actual new episode coming at you on the first Friday of March!